If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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