I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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