Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
