Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
