when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
