I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
