textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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