i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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