worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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