i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
