This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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