yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
