does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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