I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
