OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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