Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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