Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
