Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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