Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
