sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
