why im i the only drunk person in the library?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
