so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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