I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
