My room smells like vodka and shame
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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