I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize
