I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
