I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's Friday. Sex?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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