I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
