I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
