I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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