her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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