this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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