If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
