My nipple is on Facebook.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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