He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
