I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
