Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
