I'm sorry my penis didn't work
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
