My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
