I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
