After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
