Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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