Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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