So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
