Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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