he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize