well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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