I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
