I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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