he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
