i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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