The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
