I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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