My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
