Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
