but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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