When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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