I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
