She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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