DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
