How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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