checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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