That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
