You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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